Thanksgiving Off
by cinbru
Summary: Rangeman needs a break on Thanksgiving. Is there such a thing as turkey poisoning? The next holiday in the Billy series. Sorry this took so long.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. Janet owns everything.

_**Yeah, I know I suck. I have totally dropped the ball on all the holidays since Easter. And I had to get my ass poked (he he he) by Stayce and Kate M. for this one. But thank you, ladies, for the poke.**_

**Thanksgiving Off**

"Holy mother fucking son of a one eyed whore."

I looked over to Lester on my left. He was gripping the chair arms like he was crashing in an airplane. He was gritting his teeth and I saw a tinge of sweat on his forehead. I wasn't surprised at the curse. He's been cursing ever four minutes for the last half an hour.

I looked to my right and the rest of the group didn't look much better. They were staring intently and unblinkingly at the counter where a digital alarm clock sat. We were sitting in a half circle around the thing, as we had been for the last 45 minutes watching the minutes tick slowly by. Right now it was 1:57pm. I looked at the sign that was propped up next to the clock that read 6:00pm in big, bold letters and felt my stomach rumble. The sign was courtesy of Ella who came up and placed it there for us after the 5th time Ranger had called her to ask what time the turkey would be ready. I didn't know why she was crabby about it. What if she had changed the time and didn't tell us? What if the turkey was cooking fast? What if she had purchased a magic oven at the last minute and Harry Pottered the fucking thing?

Lester shifted in his chair. "Fuck me. I'm so hungry I could eat Bobby's testicles if someone put salt on them."

Bobby leaned around Ranger and leveled a red, glassy stare at Lester.

"No need to bring my balls into this, man. Just cuz you're hung like a white man."

"Your mother loves my white sugar."

"Does not!"

"She likes her vitamin D whole milk."

"Take it back, man."

"Just last night as she was spanking me-"

Tank stood up. "Song tong O pong! Both of you. Christ! Whose damn idea was it to get stoned 5 hours before dinner?"

We all looked at Ranger. He was slouched back in his chair and he grinned slow and lazy, his dark eyes half closed and squinty.

"Dude, that was totally me." He started laughing. "And man, it sucks to be all of you! Stoned five hours before we eat. What were you thinking!" He burst out laughing again.

I shook my head. "Ranger. Baby, you're stoned, too."

His laughter abruptly cut off and his eyes widened slightly. I heard a quiet 'oh fuck' escape under his breath.

Tank stalked over to the TV. "I'm going to find something to watch. I can't watch the clock any longer."

Lula stood up with him. "Does Ranger get pay per view porn?"

This left Ranger, Lester, Bobby, Hal and myself staring at the clock. And of course Billy Bong. Billy was visiting Hal at the moment.

Lester started tapping his fingers on the arm. Then his knee started bouncing. He leaned forward and backwards a few times. Suddenly he burst up from his chair.

"HOLY SHIT! I can't take it. The waiting…it's KILLING me!" He was pulling at his already short hair. "I really REALLY FUCKING can't take another-"

"Classic football on ESPN," Tank exclaimed.

Lester appeared beside him. "What game is it? I hope it isn't before 1990. The cheerleader uniforms were horrible then."

"1985, dude. Bears and Chargers. A classic. Walter Payton in his prime."

"1985. Awesome. I love the cheerleading uniforms back then."

One by one we trickled in to watch the game. Even me. I love hockey best but what woman wouldn't give a shout out to men in tight pants? Plus, Jim Mcmahon was hot.

_90 minutes later…_

"This is blowing my mind."

We all turned to look at Hal. He was gripping Billy and his half open eyes were fixated on the TV.

"What up, bro?" Ranger asked.

Hal pointed to the game. "Look at Walter Payton. I had no idea he was still playing football. Isn't he, like, 60? And there is The Fridge. I thought he stopped playing years ago. But there he is. Doin' his thing."

We contemplated this. Tank shook his head. "Did we go back in time?"

"No, man," Ranger said. "This is classic ESPN, remember? They are replaying an old game. I TiVoed it."

Hal frowned. "They had TiVo in the 80's?"

Ranger looked confused. "I don't know. How long have I had this game?"

Lester took Billy from Hal. "I used to play football in high school. I was so bitchin'. I got laid every Friday night."

Bobby high-fived him. "Awesome."

Tank smiled. "I played, too. I stomped all those little shits. I broke one dude's leg."

All the guys chuckled and nodded approvingly.

"I was fast," Bobby said. "Of course, I was the only black guy on the team so that was a gimmee."

I looked at Ranger. "Did you play in high school?"

"Yeah, I was quarterback. Played at Rutgers, too, before I went into the Army." He closed his eyes and smiled. "I was so good, too. And the chicks..One time I got head in the locker-"

"RANGER!"

Lula grimaced. "Overshare."

We watched the game for a few more minutes. Hal was restless. "It's a shame we never played together. Can you imagine how fucking awesome we would have been?"

"We would be unstoppable. I would love to go back," Bobby sighed.

"What do you mean, go back?" Tank asked. He motioned to the TV. "It's 1985."

This was met by silence. We looked at each other. I looked down at my boobs. They did seem a little perkier.

"I forgot it was 1985," Ranger said. "I could have sworn it was 2008. Wonder where I got that from?"

Hal looked around. "These are some damn nice dorms."

Lester stood up. "What the fuck are we waiting for? I got a football in my dorm room downstairs."

We filed out. Ranger looked at me as we got on the elevator. "I didn't remember knowing you in college."

We stopped at Lester's and made our way down to the garage. When the doors opened, Ella stood in front of us with her arms crossed. She looked pointedly at Ranger.

"Hi Ella," he said with a dopey smile. He reached out to hug her.

"Hello Dear," she said from his chest. She pulled back and appraised him again. "Where are you going?"

"Out to the back of the dorm to practice football for the team."

"Team?"

"Our college team. Since it's now 1985 we can play together. We thought it was 2008 but the TV told us it was 1985."

She looked around at each of us and I swear she shook her head a little. She was obviously shocked we had forgotten it was 1985.

She looked resigned and patted his arm. "Just don't go far..um..curfew is at 6:00."

Lester frowned. "6:00. Why does that time seem important?"

"Must be because it's curfew, man," Tank said.

We filed out back and walked over to the middle school across the street. It was deserted on the field in the late afternoon sun. Lula and I parked it on the grass to watch the man show.

They all stood around and looked at each other.

"I can't seem to remember any of the plays," Bobby said. "Shouldn't I know plays?"

Ranger pointed to the 50 yard line. "Let's just line up. We'll know what to do. We are a well-oiled machine, remember?"

The five guys lined up with Ranger as quarterback and Hal as center.

"Blue 42! Blue 42! Hike!"

Hal hiked the ball to Ranger.

"Watch this," I said to Lula. "FLAG ON THE PLAY!"

Instantly they all looked accusingly at each other.

"Who was it?!" Ranger demanded.

This was met by silence.

"It was Bobby," Lester said. "I think I remember him pulling a face mask."

Bobby frowned at Lester. "No I didn't." Silence. "Did I?"

They all looked around at their lack of helmets and contemplated Bobby's foul.

"Damn, man," Hal said with respect, touching his bare head. "That must have been one hell of a face mask."

"Word."

"True."

"Props, dude."

Lula and I were clutching each other. She was wiping her eyes. "Man, that was hysterical. I thought you were kidding but there really was a foul. I mean, what are the chances?"

"Okay!" Ranger got back in position, after backing up five penalty yards. "No more fucking around. Tank! Go deep. I'm going to Hail Mary your ass. Lester! Try to cover him."

They grunted and lined back up. Hal hiked to Ranger and Tank bolted from his spot, running down field. He stopped in the end zone and spun around right as Ranger threw a tremendous pass down the field. Tank looked up at the ball and the tension suddenly seemed to ease from his body. His mouth opened and his eyes glazed over as he stared unblinkingly at the ball arcing towards him. He was frozen in his spot. "It's so beautiful," he said.

"TANK!" Ranger yelled.

The yell seemed to wake Tank up. His eyes suddenly widened, never leaving the ball.

"Shit! It's coming right at me!"

Tank dove to the side. Lester had been standing just behind him, lost in the pass as well so the ball cracked him right in the middle of the forehead. He went down like a ton of bricks.

He sat up. "Pass interference!"

Ranger shook his head. "Let's try this again."

They huddled back on the 55 yard line.

Ranger was motioning with the ball. "Okay, we are going to fool them. This play can't fail." He looked down at the ball. Everyone else looked down at the ball. They shuffled around a bit. After a few minutes Ranger blinked a little and looked up.

"Okay, everyone got it?"

Hal was confused. "I don't think you said the play, man." He looked unsure.

Ranger scowled at him. "Of course I didn't. It's a secret play. If I said it out loud, the other team would be in on it."

Tank nodded. "Brilliant."

Hal still looked unsure. "But how do we know what to do?"

Ranger looked exasperated. "I just told the ball, Hal. Whoever gets the ball just needs to follow it. It will lead them."

"Oh!" Everyone else smiled and nodded at the obvious logic.

They lined up again. When Ranger got the ball, he spun around and shoved it into Lester's arms. Lester looked at the ball.

"Go with it, Lester!" Ranger yelled.

Lester held the ball out in front of him like a divining rod and started to jog.

"No!" Ranger shouted after him. "You aren't doing it right. Close your eyes and run. Trust the ball!"

Lester squeezed his eyes shut and ran. He was zig-zagging across the field. He passed the team going the opposite way, careened to the right and crashed into the bleachers.

"Oh shit!" Tank yelled, jogging up to him.

Hal helped Lester up. Lester glared at Ranger. "What the fuck did you tell the ball, man?"

Ranger picked up the ball and studied it. He shook it a little and held it up to his ear. "I think the batteries ran out."

Bobby started laughing. "He was just running around in circles! What a moron. He didn't even know the batteries were out!"

Everyone burst out laughing. Tank was pounding Lester on the back.

At this point my ass was getting numb and I was getting a little cold. I stood up and hauled Lula up next to me. "I can't take this anymore."

She eyed me and broke into a grin. "Girls in da house!"

We walked over to the guys who were still trying to get control of their giggles. They turned to face us.

Ranger smiled and pulled me close for a kiss. "You bored, Babe? Or are you getting a little hot watching all this in action?"

"A little bored, Ranger. I think it's time Lula and I shut this down."

Tank looked a little patronizing. "How you gonna do that?"

"Us against all of you. We score, we go back to the dorm. You score and you can copy my history paper."

"I'm so in," Hal said. "I'm doing really bad in history right now."

We walked back to the center of the field and Lula and I huddled together. Lula was ready for action.

"How you wanna play this? The old Mammary Mayhem?"

"Of course."

"Okay, status the goods." We both peeked down the front of our shirts.

Lula shook her head. "I got on a beige industrial. I'm PMSing."

"I'm good," I said. "Victoria Secret. Black."

"Sweet."

We lined up, the boys forming a line in front of us. Lula bent down in front of me and I put my hands between her legs. I looked up at the guys and they were unmoving. Every one of them staring at us with their mouths open. I think I saw Lester drool.

Lula looked up and back at me. She grinned. "Piece of cake."

When everyone was in position, Lula hiked the ball. She spun around and I handed it back to her before she darted a safe distance behind me.

As the guys started to advance, I stretched. Ten eyes froze and glued to my belly.

"Oh dear! All that dirty football made me so hot." I slowly started inching my shirt up. I dragged it slowly over my stomach until I got to the black lace of my underwire.

"Holy fuck." I heard someone say. I looked up at them and they were frozen, eyes on my bra.

I dropped my shirt back down. "Oh for the love of Pete! She's already in the end zone. That was pathetic and you should be ashamed of yourselves. How could you NOT know I was going to lift my shirt?"

Ranger looked crestfallen. "Aren't you hot anymore?"

"No Ranger! I was never hot. It was a ploy!"

Ranger's big shoulders sagged. They all turned and looked at Lula in the end zone. She waved.

"Are we having fun?" a voice from behind us asked.

We turned to see Ella smiling at us.

"Ella!" Ranger yelled, breaking into a wide grin. "Did you come to play football?"

"No dear. I came to remind you. It's 6:00."

"Oh right, curfew."

Bobby scowled. "I feel like there was something else special about 6:00."

Lester started tapping Bobby rapidly. He was doing the fish imitation with his mouth. He started bouncing next and his hands started waving in Bobby's face.

Bobby batted his hands away. "What is your problem, man?"

Lester was mouthing a silent word and he jumped.

Bobby grabbed onto Lester and pulled him to a stop. "What, dude! I can't hear you."

"TUUUURRRRKKKEEEEEEEYYYY!"

We all froze. It was dead silent on the field. And then, very quietly, someone's stomach rumbled. Five seconds later, another was heard. Then another.

Slowly we looked to Ella. "Please say it's true," Tank whispered.

"On the table and waiting," she smiled.

She had barely finished her sentence when 210 pounds of Cuban had me slung over his shoulder and was dead running back to the dorm. I looked up and saw everyone pounding behind us, Ella still left on the field.

The boys couldn't wait for the elevator and pounded up the stairs. I could see Lester removing articles of clothing, leaving a trail up the stairs so his clothes wouldn't interfere with his eating.

But before I could even register, I was being placed on my feet before the most beautiful table I had ever seen.

We all stared in awe of the mashed potatoes, stuffing, corn bread, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, deviled eggs…and at the very center, a huge roast turkey.

"Holy Mary Mother of God," Lester whispered.

"Hey wait a minute!" Hal said suddenly. "Look!"

We all looked around and then back at him.

He pointed at the TV. The Seahawks and the Cowboys were playing. He pointed at the Cowboys Quarterback. "Tony Romo! It's 2008! We made it back."

I looked down at my boobs. Sure enough. Saggy again.

Ranger pulled me to him and buried his face in my neck before kissing my forehead. He leaned back and looked into my eyes. "Happy Thanksgiving, Babe."

I touched his face. "I love you," I whispered.

Then we turned to the table. And that was the last non-turkey thought I had for the rest of the night.

_Two hours later…_

Ella walked in to Rangers apartment to collect dishes. She expected carnage but it still took her breath away. There was food on the floor and chairs. Dishes were overturned, the turkey picked to the bone. A drink was knocked over next to the broken wishbone, indicating a fight for supremacy.

She walked over to the table and shook her head. A naked Lester was asleep, his upper body sprawled on the table, his lower half still rooted in his chair. A turkey leg bone still grasped in his hand.

She made a quick inventory of the apartment. Tank and Lula were on the sofa, Tank snoring softly. Bobby was in the chair. Hal hadn't made it far enough and was asleep on the floor. She glanced in the bedroom and noted that at least Ranger and Stephanie had made it to the bed before passing out.

She walked back out and began gathering dishes.

Louis poked his head in, surveyed the scene and smiled at his wife.

"Tryptophan? Get's 'em every time."

"Among other things."

"Ah," he said, eyeing Billy on the end table. He walked over and picked up the bong. He glanced at his wife.

"They _are_ all asleep…"

Ella smiled and grabbed Billy from his hands and went for the door. "I have pumpkin pie!"

Louis picked up the little baggy from the table and followed his wife. He was glad Ranger and the guys never noticed Billy's little field trips.

They could pick up the dishes in the morning.

**The end**


End file.
